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Losing My Leadership

May 23, 2009

One of the consequences of falling to sexual sin was losing my ability to lead my family and the church I was serving.   

 I had worked hard learning to be a leader in my church.  I was the leader of my family and an emerging leader among my peers.  I felt like I was doing a good job, but didn’t realize how bad my insides were.  I didn’t realize how sick I was and what a hypocrite I was in holding on to my secret sexual sins. leadership-word

 When my mentors intervened and confronted me, I was thrown into a tremendous shock.  I was numb.  I was cut.  The Truth of God exposed the nasty truth of what I really looked like on the inside.  I found that I could not function anymore.  I could not think.  I could not make confident decisions.  I could not lead my family anymore.  It was as if God’s blessing of leadership was removed from my life.  I lost my priesthood.

 “priesthood” – bringing others to God; intercession; leading them in God’s path

 My wife ended up taking over the priesthood in our family.  She was the one making decisions and plotting the course, even in her anger, frustration, and hopelessness.  She described it as going into “survival mode” to save her family.  I was just not capable of it.

 Nor was I capable of leading my church.  I pastored for 2 more weeks and struggled.  My messages and words to church members were strained and thin.  I could not focus.  Church leadership became a burden and not natural. 

It is a terrible thing to lose the mantle of leadership.  To lose the trust of people.  To be broken inside and lose the vision and passion necessary to lead.  It felt emasculating to me as well.  A lot of my identity had been tied up in being a leader, and assisting others.  I felt like the WWF champion stripped of his belt. 

About a year later, I felt a switch happen.  My wife became burdened with the load she was pulling for the family, her work, and the pressures of life and fell into a depression.  I was doing much better in my recovery and was able to step in and lead my family through the hard time.  I had been serving my wife, but I began to feel the Spirit of God giving me guidance, encouragement, strength, and vision for my family. 

leadership-risesmartTHE CAPACITY TO LEAD
I never lost my ability to lead.  God placed in me, as he does all men, the capacity to lead.  But my sexual sin clouded my vision.  I could not see clearly anymore.  I was wounded and could not hear from God on behalf of other people.  It is the mantle of leadership that was removed from me, not the potential to lead. 

God is wonderfully redemptive.  He wants us to be able to lead again.  He wants the man to experience the blessing of leadership again.  He is so good at taking us wounded, messed up men and rebuilding us to be better for His glory!

One Comment
  1. May 28, 2009 8:44 pm

    Cheers for the words of encouragement. This site looks to be full of quality information and heartfelt openness.

    Well done, keep it up and know that you’re not alone!

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