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Purity Strategies For When My Wife is Away

June 3, 2009

My wife went on a retreat this past week.  I thought I’d share some of the strategies I have in place when my wife and I are apart on trips or for work. 

computer%20guyINTERNET – Our computer is password protected.  I can only get on the Internet when my wife is around.  Another strategy for others is Covenant Eyes, which provides accountability reports to friends.   I really don’t miss it, guys!

TV / DVDS – We have programs above PG-13 blocked on our TVs.  On top of this I must report any intentional searching to my accountability partner.  I cannot rent any DVDS that have sexual content or nudity without first talking to my wife and/or accountability partner. 

BED – Being on the bed alone has been a triggery thing in the past.  I have found that sleeping on the couch works well for me. 

ACCOUNTABILITY – I arrange to call an accountability partner every night my wife and I are not together.  I have to talk about temptations, slips, or stresses. 

cellphone-main_FullWIFE – Talking to my wife is huge!  I need to connect with her and fill my life with her.  We try to talk several times, and definitely after the kids are asleep.

What are some helpful strategies for you to stay pure when your spouse is away?   I’d really like to know.  Leave a comment down below to share with others.


Check out our new website: for a great list of resources and further helps in your journey toward sexual purity.

  1. June 3, 2009 9:36 pm


    Thanks for these tips. Great ideas here.

  2. Michael permalink
    June 8, 2009 5:06 pm

    For me, two things really allowed me to have freedom from porn.

    The first was keeping myself from lusting even outside of any stereotypical “pornographic” context. So if my mind wandered to past porn experiences in the shower… I would stop it there and think of something else. If my eyes wandered and started undressing a woman on the street… I would stop there and look away. Then I wouldn’t be as tempted later to get on the computer or watch a porn movie. On the other hand, if I let my eyes and my mind freely lust during the day, that evening I was sure to stumble with porn. Once the ball was rolling, so to speak, it was nearly impossible to stop. But it was easy if I never let it start rolling in the first place.

    The second thing that greatly helped me was the realization that pre-marital sex isn’t really a sin. This may seem counter-intuitive, but allow me to explain. I have been unable to find a single Scripture passages that says premarital sex is a sin. Certainly it isn’t explicitly celebrated in Scripture, but to say it is a sin is to go much further then that.

    So, then, pornography addiction is simply the abuse of something that God created to be good. It is like alcoholism. Wine itself isn’t evil; even Christ made it. But the abuse of it, the addiction to it, is a sin. It is destructive, and that is why God wants us to stay away from it.

    Pornography is something almost all people are going to experience at some point in their lives. When the “I’m doing something illicit” rush is taken away, I find that porn becomes much less attractive. It becomes less like a wonderfully sinful thing (like a forbidden piece of chocolate while on a diet), and more just like a waste of good sexual passion. Why not overflow with passion toward a real person (your wife, lover, etc.) instead of a computer screen? It is so much more fulfilling in the end. Or if you are single, and not dating, why pour out all your God given desires onto the computer? Instead, you should let the passion build inside you, it will motivate you to go out and meet new people and perhaps even a potential mate.

    I’m not saying premarital sex (or porn) is good. It just is what it is. We are made to be sexual creatures, and Scripture acknowledges that. It never calls premarital sex, premarital sexual thoughts (ie, porn for many people), or the like sin. But it does celebrate sex in marriage. That means that if we desire fulfilling sex and if we want to enjoy the things the Creator celebrates, we should seek to get married and enjoy sex with our partner. Wasting good sexual passion on a computer screen only hinders that goal. I have found this mode of thinking very helpful to me.

    Marriage, of course, adds another element. Lusting over someone who isn’t your spouse is the same as sleeping with them, i.e. is adultery (Matthew chpt. 5). So then it becomes even more important to avoid pornography as a married person; because it *is* sinful in that situation. I think in this situation, clear communication with your spouse as to what your sexual desires are is one of the most important things, because often pornography is one spouse’s way of reaching out for fantasies and experiences (s)he is too ashamed to ask the other spouse for (or isn’t getting for some other reason).

    • June 8, 2009 8:18 pm

      Michael, thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. It is obvious that you have given a considerable amount of thought and work toward your own quest for purity. I like your ideas about how to get through a shower the right way. Showers can be very triggery to many guys.

      I agree that “pornography addiction is… the abuse of something that God has created to be good” [sex and sexuality].

      When it comes to pre-marital sex, I don’t think you can make a case that God is pro “premarital sex” or that it’s ever OK. The Bible doesn’t have to say the exact words “Don’t have pre-marital sex” for us to figure out what God’s mind is on the subject. The Bible is full of principles that guide us to be sexually pure in our life, whether single or married. God has not draw the line at pre-marital sex, he has drawn the line at every kind of sexual immorality. This is a much higher standard to be called to.

      Ephesians 5:3 “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity.”

      I found an interesting page on this website: It seems to be a pretty concise Q&A on the subject.

      Thanks so much for the time you took to write! I look forward to your other thoughts.


  3. Michael permalink
    June 9, 2009 2:17 am

    Thanks! I think you and I are on the same page, even if we’re not on the same sentence. I agree that you can’t make a case that God is pro-premarital sex. He is silent about it, while sex in marriage is celebrated. I just can’t help but notice that adultery, bestiality, homosexuality, incest, prostitution, etc. are all punished in the Old Testament very severely. Premarital sex (alone) is never punished, not even lightly. What gives? As far as I’m concerned, when Scripture says to flee from ‘porneia’ (‘illicit sex’ being the first and primary definition), I do not read that to mean premarital sex. I cannot, because I see nowhere in Scripture that ever calls it illicit. I just don’t agree with the logical twists that link goes through to arrive at the conclusion it is aiming for. It seems to me as bathed in tradition-bound reading as the Roman Catholic understanding of the Eucharist is. Plus, for me, realizing that premarital sex is not a sin was important. Realizing that premarital sexual desires were not “temptations toward sin” was very freeing. It helped cure the guilt and shame that constantly destroyed my self-esteem and dragged me down over and over again into the gutter that is porn addiction.

    However, you are free to believe what you must about premarital. That isn’t the most central thing, in my opinion. The main way I found to “check” the desire for porn was to stop it before it ever started. Stop the thought right when it enters the mind. “Look away” with the mind. Also, look away with the eyes, away from the woman before you stare. I am reminded of the verse from Proverbs 5 about the adulteress, “Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house.” For once you decide to go near the door of lust, you might as well already have entered into it… you’re too far gone to turn back then. Once you make it a habit to live that way, it becomes not just possible, but almost easy, to direct sexual passions into the avenues that God celebrates.

  4. June 12, 2009 9:01 am

    Michael, your thoughts confuse me a little. Correct me if I am wrong, but it seems as though you are saying premarital sex is not a sin, therefore porn before marriage is not a sin.

    If that is what you are saying, I wholeheartedly disagree.

    Porn is a perversion that leads to more dangerous perversions. This is about more than just a man addicted to sex or looking at other women. It’s much deeper than that. The sin isn’t just with the man lusting, it’s also with the people making the films.

    Porn stars are not happy campers, at least 99.9% of them. They are hurting souls. They need love and care. They need someone to value them for more than just their body and the actions they fake, but it doesn’t happen.

    We, women, steer clear of them so our husband’s don’t see them. And men stare at them like an object, using them for selfish pleasure.

    To participate in the destruction of another person for self-centered pleasure, I would assume is sinful. And that is what a man, in essence, is doing when he looks at a woman or porn star with lust. This goes beyond porn. This is in real life and those glossy magazine covers too.

    This culture has perverted beauty and sex so much. Women are chasing after a surface beauty that is unattainable, while men are chasing after sexual fantasies that are unrealistic and unhealthy.

    My desire for women is to not have to look away from an improperly dressed woman to avoid envy and insecurity, but to reach out and love her.

    And my desire for men? I’d like to see men do more than just “look away” from lust. I’d like them to realize these bodies are more than bodies. They are hearts that are most likely hurting and not feeling valued. I’d like to see men “look away” and get on his knees and pray for that woman, pray for her heart to be free from the weight this world puts on her to be artificially beautiful.

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