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How to Tell Your Spouse About Your Sexual Addiction – Part 1

September 1, 2009


Telling your spouse about your sexual addiction is a challenging thing. We want to share some helpful tips for those of you who are planning to talk to your spouses.

NOTE – As we have said many times, Jeff and Marsha are not licensed counselors. These are our thoughts and things we are learning from others on this matter. We recommend you discuss this topic with a professional counselor or minister.


1.  TALK TO SOMEONE SAFE FIRST – You need practice sharing your story, so find someone safe. Someone objective that you can trust and who can keep your confidence. Every situation is different and must be handled wisely. You need the skilled hands of a counselor or minister helping you with this. A good counselor will be able to help you with how to share and how to prepare for your spouse’s response. Your safe person can help you with timing. Your safe person can also be in prayer as you share, and may even want to be there with you when you share.


2.  COMMIT TO VALUING THE TRUTH – Strong marriages are built on truth and trust. True intimacy in a marriage is knowing each other deeply, and being able to share problems. You must believe that being truthful is better than lying. It is only when we are truthful that we can be real and authentic and intimate.


confront3.  DON’T BE DEFENSIVE – Your focus is on sharing your stuff. If you spouse reacts in anger, you have to take it. The worst thing you can do is try and defend your addiction. Admit the problems you have and what you have done and talk about it.


4.  DON’T BLAME YOUR SPOUSE – OK, this is actually the worst thing you can do. Your focus is on sharing your problems. There are a lot of things that have contributed to you becoming addicted (maybe even your spouse). But now is not the time to point fingers, except at yourself.


5.  COME HUMBLE, REPENTANT, SORROWFUL – This is the best attitude. You probably already feel a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. Just surrender. Be humble. Submit to the mercy of your spouse.


6.  DON’T EXPECT INSTANT SUPPORT AND FORGIVENESS – Your spouse will need some time to process this news. Your support will probably have to come from the safe people you have already shared the truth with.


We will share 5 more helpful tips tomorrow.

Sharing the truth is always hard. It means admitting you have a problem and have failed. It is a risk, and it messes your spouse up.

But we believe that marriages should be built around truth. You cannot achieve intimacy in your marriage if you are holding onto things in the dark.

It’s worth it to share!

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