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How Much Do I Tell My Wife?

September 17, 2009

** This is a good place to say that Marsha and I are not licensed counselors. These are our experiences and the things we are learning. For guidance on a big, serious topic like this, you should talk to your counselor, minister, or trusted friend.

A lot of guys get into sexual recovery and start wondering, “How much do I tell my wife about my background, secrets, sins, and struggles?”  I’m assuming with this blog that your wife already knows you have a sexual addiction, and that you are committed to working on your relationship and marriage. Often, there are other things we haven’t told our wives that need to be shared. This is the purpose of this blog.

 

ASK HER
Can you ask your wife this question? It might be the best place to start.

  • Does she want to know all the details?
  • All the background and exploits?
  • All the secrets?
  • Just the general details?
  • A few wives don’t want to know anything at all. (Yikes! I say!)

 

HAVE OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU CAN SHARE THE DETAILS WITH
If your wife is your only accountability partner, you’re setting up a very difficult situation. That’s tons of load on her. You need to have other guys in band_of_brotheryour life that you are sharing the raw details with.

Guys understand guys. This doesn’t mean that a guy gets off the hook if he messes up. But it takes a lot of time for a woman to begin to understand what a man is going through with testosterone, temptations, the masculine culture… Find a guy or a sexual support group you can bear your soul with safely.

 

VALUE THE TRUTH
Us guys are good liars. We are good at keeping secrets and making things look good on the outside. For the first time in many of your lives, you are starting to share your truthjunk.

Somewhere in your heart, you must come to believe that telling the truth is ultimately better than lying. God has to do this in your heart.

A good prayer: “God, help me to want to value the truth.”

 

WORK ON YOUR SERVE
We are supremely selfish when we are pouring ourselves into porn and into self-sex.  One of the best ways to start working on our selfishness is to serve.

Find ways to serve your wife. Find ways to love her and pour your energies into her. She may not respond. She may reject you. But keep finding ways to serve her.

 

SOME THINGS NEED TO BE SHARED WITH THE HELP OF A COUNSELOR OR SKILLED HANDS
I don’t know your wife. You do (or you think you do). Every marital situation has to be handled differently. I think it’s CB047262best to begin your truth telling with a counselor. You’ve got to have some skilled hands helping you work on this.

Sharing with our wives about our struggles can be a delicate process. A counselor can help you with sharing the truth and with dealing with the various reactions of our spouse.

If there are some things you have told your spouse, but others you are holding back, you definitely need to work with a counselor.

 

WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU ADD?
Leave a blog comment or email us privately at porntopurity@gmail.com

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