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A Big Struggle: Sexualizing Relationships

September 19, 2009

I have a tendency to sexualize my relationships with women very quickly… but I’m working on it!

relationships2My counselor is awesome. He pokes and prods in the right directions, and helps me learn more about the things that contributed to my sexual addition. We look for roots. We look for lies I have believed. We look at wounds. We look for patterns.


He and I have explored my family background a lot. I felt like I had a good, healthy relationships with my parents, but we never talked about sexual things. The subject was never on the table. We never had the hard talks, or really talked about how to have healthy relationships with girls.


I was girl crazy from an early age. I remember having a girlfriend in Kindergarten (not that it meant anything). I remember wanting to be close to girls and wanting their attention. There was always a girl in class that I thought was really pretty. And I liked it when girls liked me. I liked it a lot.


I was kid with low self-esteem. I wanted to fit in. I had many insecurities, and had a very low self-worth. I was so excited when a girl started to like me. I did not have healthy relationships with girls. They were normally SHALLOW.

Girls to me were a validation that I was OK. I felt on top of the world when I had a girlfriend. I felt like I had achieved something big to get a girl to like me and go out with me. When I got a girlfriend, the insecurities continued. I felt like I had to do whatever I could to keep her. I was afraid of losing her and being rejected. I would usually SMOTHER her.

Shallow or Smother – that’s me in two words!


In my early adult years this “Shallow or Smother” theme continued, except I would add fantasy and masturbate to it. If a girl showed interest, I would get excited and turn her into a fantasy girl. My view of Internet pornography accelerated this. I would have the beginnings of a healthy relationship, then go way beyond reality and develop the relationship in my mind.



Here are some of the things I am doing right now to work on this:

  1. Being aware of these roots is essential
  2. Pouring myself into healthy, real relationships
  3. Filling my mind with healthy things: reading, journaling, prayer, blogging, work
  4. Daily surrendering this area to God
  5. Maintaining boundaries in my relationships
  6. Replacing lust with love and service toward others
  7. Accountability and support group to help with my behaviors and the deeper things
  8. Finding my value in Christ alone
  9. Connecting with my wife frequently, and deeply

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