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Are You Working Late, or Feeding Your Sex Addiction?

October 6, 2009

A friend and I were chatting at work the other day and she mentioned how her husband and her don’t seem to have as much time together any more.  The story was that he was working on his MBA and would stay late at work nearly every night to study.  She was obviously frustrated about it. 

I wondered if there was really more to the story.  I hoped not. 

Sex addicts are notorious for hiding their secrets.  They are really good at it too.  They get so creative in covering tracks, finding excuses for staying late, taking “business trips”.  They find time and space to protect their Internet use or sexual encounters. 

I don’t want to breed doubt, mistrust, and suspicion.  But people who are hiding secrets can be so deceptive and creative with their excuses. 

We always want to begin with the trust and believing the best about a person, until the person gives us reason to doubt.




CHECK THE RELATIONSHIP – Do an inventory of the relationship. How has your relationship been lately?  A growing distance?  More time alone?  Has there been a sudden change with your partner (or with you)?  Has this been going on for a long time?  Have you caught the person in lies already? 


TALK WITH THE PERSON – Be intentional.  Make time to talk with the person.  Not to confront, but to talk.  This is part of the relationship check.  Not a confrontation.  Ask about their work, or busyness.  Try to get to know that area of their lives.  Is the person willing to talk about their late nights or business trips? 


ASK ABOUT ANY STRUGGLES OR TEMPTATIONS – Just ask them what they struggle with.  Ask them what the temptations are they are dealing with.  Ask them how they are winding down and dealing with the stresses of life.  These are things that healthy couples need to be able to talk about. 


CREATE A SAFE ENVIRONMENT FOR COMING TO YOU – Your spouse is not going to share anything with you if he feels like you are going to flip out, preach at him, or get into a rage.  You have to go overboard to communicate that you are a safe person to come to.  He can share things with you.  You are his biggest support, cheerleader.  If there are problems you will work on them together. 

You would rather him come to you with the truth, rather than covering up right?  Then you have to communicate that.  If there are problems, you will work on it.  If there is covering up and discoveries, the consequences will have to be worse.


TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR – Preferably, a Christian counselor.  You need some wise guidance in your life if your relationship is heading South.  Your friends will not be objective, but a counselor will be.  A counselor can help you know the next steps to take. 


PRAY THAT GOD WILL REVEAL THE TRUTH – Ultimately, we have to leave our spouses in the hands of the Lord.  We cannot change hearts, we can only extend our hearts.  Believe that God is the God of Truth and will bring all things into the Light.  Pray that way.


Marsha and I are glad to pray for those of you going through relationship struggles.  Shoot us an email at

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