Skip to content

Recovery NO-NOs: Transfering Your Guilt

December 10, 2009

When we feel guilty about our behavior or our failures, we have to be careful not to push it off on someone else. This is called transference.

  •  The dad who never won the state championship pushes his son to perform. 
  • The preacher struggling with sexual sin preaches flaming messages on immorality, adultery, and sexual behaviors.   
  • A husband shares with his wife how disgusted he is with someone else’s sexual exploits… all the while he holds on to his own secret behaviors.   
  • You and your spouse have trouble with intimacy.  You keep telling her that if she would get her act together, or act a certain way, then things would be fine.  But you don’t consider that your lust and fantasy life are a part of the problem.

Each of these individuals has their own issues.  They feel guilty for not matching up in the past, or for their failures.  In their past there was a lack of approval, perfectionistic expectations, or sexual sin. 

Pushing our guilt on others makes us feel better.  We do it for different reasons. 


Atonement – If they can hold the banner high, teach and preach about it then they will be OK and absolved of their failure. 

Legacy – A person really believes they are helping others and passing on the right character traits and behaviors to the next person. 

Leadership – They feel like it is their duty to train others and show a good example.    

But really, they haven’t dealt with their own guilt.   They may also still be engaged in their sinful behavior. 

Transference is a way of ignoring our sin and minimizing it. 



1. We have to be courageous and own up to our own sin

2.  We have to repent of our sin – change course

3.  Our past has wounded us, and we need to bring it out into the Light.  Talk to someone about it. 

4.  We need to seek God’s healings from our wounds. 

5.  We need to be real and authentic with others and with ourselves.  No hypocrites. 


Look for ways that you are transferring your guilt on to someone else.  The healthy people in sexual  recovery are starting to figure this stuff out. 





















Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: