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Why is My Fantasy Life Out of Control?

December 23, 2009

One of the major areas we have to deal with when we are seeking to be sexually pure is our fantasy life. 

Controlling our behaviors is a challenge, but not nearly as hard as dealing with our mind.  We may not physically touch somebody in a sexual way, but we go wherever we want in our minds.  Our bodies may have boundaries, but many of us have out of control minds.

WHAT’S UNDERNEATH THE SURFACE? – Look into your own life for unmet needs:  loneliness, a need for variety, boredom, a sense of adventure, undervalued, a need for comfort.  When our fantasy life is out of control we are seeking to meet some need inside us. 


LUST IS DRIVING THE SHIP – Lust is not a good thing.  Lust is selfish.  It takes.  It does not give to the other person.  Fantasy feeds the lust monster, not tame it. 

NO WAY THIS EVER FITS INTO GOD’S WILL – Fantasies defile your mind.  They will defile your marriage bed if you try to act them out.  They are impure behaviors. 

FANTASIES HURT THE WAY WE VALUE OTHERS – We think that our fantasy life is a private thing and that we are not hurting anybody.  We may not touch someone, but we are devaluing them in our mind.  We are having sex with them.  We are making them to be someone they are not. 

FANTASIES FIND THEIR WAY INTO REAL LIFE – Eventually, a person struggling with sexual addiction will act out on their fantasies.  You may spend a long time fantacizing about that girl at work or the other man’s wife.  Eventually, you will start getting close to her, flirt with her, touch her and try to take it further. 

CUT OFF THE BAD FLOW – You have to take aggressive action with your fantasy life.  Cut things out.  Cut the relationships.  Cut out the TV shows and music that are triggery.  Cut out the magazines that make you want to fantacize.  Get rid of as many things as you can to help. 

START SOME GOOD FLOW – Out with the bad water, in with the fresh water.  You have to fill your mind with good things, godly things. Replace your bad thoughts with good stronger thoughts.  Thoughts about Jesus.  Replace the music with something that glorifies God. 

Philippians 4:8 (New International Version) 

 8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.



TALK IT OUT WITH SOMEONE SAFE – You have to find someone safe you can talk to about your fantasies.  I know this is hard.  But your fantasies need to be brought into the Light.  This will take the power out of them.  Find a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend you can talk to.  

I’m right here with you all.  My fantasy life was bigger than the other types of acting out I did. 

Another great blog on fantasy: HERE’S PART 1 & HERE’S PART 2

A great podcast on “How to Deal With Your Fantasy Life” PART 1 & PART 2

One Comment
  1. December 29, 2009 7:50 pm

    I have been working with men caught up in sexual addiction/compulsion for 10 years and we have meetings twice a week. We are based out of Mount Hope Church and Gilead Healing Center in Lansing, MI. Please check out our website. I found yours in New Man article this month
    I would love to win dvd/cd “Somebody’s Daughter” for our ministry.
    Thank you for yours —
    Joe Henika – Director of Dunamai Men’s Ministry

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