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Distant Dads and Daddy Wounds

December 24, 2009

Many of us struggling with sexual addiction have distant dads.  Daddy issues are part of the underlying struggle that many sex addicts uncover

When a person begins to recovery from sexual addiction it’s important to look at their own family background. 

Q:  Were sexual things freely discussed in your family?

Q:  How did your parent’s react to sexual issues or questions?

Q:  Who gave you the “birds and the bees” talk?  How did that go?

Q:  What messages did your parents model with their relational intimacy?

As a person starts thinking about their sexual family background, they often realize that there dads were a negative influence when it came to intimacy.  Some people never have their dads.  For others, their dads were present physically, but not emotionally. 

Some have dads that were abusive… emotionally, physically or sexually.  These are wounds that have to be worked through to find healing.  A good counselor should help you uncover and work through these issues. 


Maybe your dad…

  • Had a hidden stack of Playboys around the house.
  • Would treat mom very poorly.
  • Would have a lot of anger and sometimes get physical.
  • Would objectify women and treat them like sex objects.
  • Did not spend much time with you. 
  • Kept holding you to a perfect standard. 
  • Gave you license to have sex and act out sexually.

Our dads probably indirectly contributed to our desire to act out sexually and may have been a direct encouragement.


Anything from John Elderidge is good.  But his book Fathered By God is exceptional when it comes to the wounds we get from our dads and need healing from.  Like no other book, this one has helped me to work through a lot of anger I have had toward my own father. 



There are no perfect dads – Even people from the best homes have problems with there dads.  You and I have more. 

Realize your dad has a wounded past too – Your dad probably had issues with his father.  Things weren’t handled very well in his past.  Maybe he never had men model godliness for him. 

We are the ones who have acted out and made wrong choices – You can’t blame dad for your sexual choices.  Your dad may have contributed to a childhood of unhealthy sexual messages, but he didn’t make you click on websites, fantasize, have an affair, or visit a prostitute. 

Get a counselor to help you explore your daddy issues – Counselors deal with these type of wounds all the time.  They are skilled in helping people uncover underlying issues and healing from them.

You have a lot of anger toward your dad – I don’t think I’m making too big an assumption.  If we have wounds from our dads, we have some anger.  Some of us have a lot of anger.  God and your counselor can help you explore that and find forgiveness and healing. 

You cannot fully recovery from your addiction, until you deal with your dad issues – Another big statement.  When you decide to tackle your dad issues, it hurts.  You need to get back in touch with that hurt so you can bring it to God. 

When we open up to God, He will bring His perfect love and truth to our hearts. 


If you need someone to reach out to, drop me a line at This is a private email.

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