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Is it Hopeless? Advice to Husbands

December 29, 2009

When your world falls apart, it’s not hard to feel hopeless.      

Today I want to address the men who have messed up sexually.  You have dropped a bomb on your family and brought the waves of consequence.  I want you to know that you’re not alone.  I want you to know it’s not hopeless.  And I want to offer some encouragement and thoughts on how to get through it the right way.

Tomorrow:   Marsha will share her advice to women whose husbands brought sexual sin into their marriage.   

I just want to acknowledge that you guys have lost some big things.   

Secrets / Private Life – Your secret is not hidden anymore.  You have been exposed and the truth of your life is before you and others. 

Control – You were in control of these secrets and your sexual routines.  This has been taken away now.  

Honor – Getting found out or exposed is dishonoring.  You may have lost a job or ministry position like I did.  You may have been shamed in the eyes of your family an friends.  

Leadership – If your had influence over other, that has probably been damaged.   

Sense of Purpose – In the swirl of the fallout from sexual sin, we often don’t know what to do.  We lose a sense of direction and vision for our life.   

Marriage, family – Your wife and kids may have reacted strongly to your reveal.  Many wives separate from their husbands.  It creates a lot of hurt for us and for our families.   

Freedoms – We are no longer free to act out.  We have probably stepped up the accountability. 

Manhood – You may not have thought of this, but when we lose position and respect, we take it as a blow to our manhood.  Our sexual sins may have been unhealthy ways we were trying to prove our manhood.  We no longer have them.   

The secret of my sexual behaviors was found out by my boss at work.  I hid and covered up and I paid a big price.  I lost my ministry, my job, my stability, many of my friends.  I almost lost my wife because of my sin.   

I’m right there with you guys.  I feel for you.   



It’s easy to feel like hopeless, ready to give up, suicidal, despairing, depressed.  Those of us who have had to deal with our sexual addictions have all been there.  We have wanted to throw the towel in and call it done.   

These feelings are real, but they are lies.   

Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”  

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world…”  

Romans 5:8 “But God proved His love for us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” 

The fact that Christ died for you proves that God still loves you and that your life has value.  Let that sink in.  This is God’s truth.

Right now we feel like crap.  Our world just exploded.  But the reality is that God has always loved you whether you were well-behaved or sinful. 


1.  The Bigger Picture – Trust that what you are going through is bigger than yourself.  God is in control and has to get you to a point of health so you can glorify Him.  He loves you to much to let you continue in destruction.  Your present hurt, consequences, and loss is part of a bigger plan. 

2.  Others Have Gone Through it – So many other guys have been where you are.  I have.  Thousands of guys in recovery.  Thousands who read this blog.  You are not alone in this struggle.   

3.  You need other men – You need to go find some of these other men who have been through it, and understand hurt. Skilled hands are counselors, pastors, and support group leaders.  But other men will do.  You need other guys in your life.  If you can start reaching out to some guys, and hanging around some guys, it will really help.  

4.  Let it out – You need to puke it out.  Start talking with others about your struggles.  It’s not going to go away.  Talking it out with other dudes or with me at is going to help you get it on the table.  Bring it to the Light. 

BTW – Get a notebook and jot down some things that you’re feeling.  It’s one of the best things I’ve done to help my continuing recovery.  

5.  Pump up for the Big Fight – Sexual purity is a battle.  It’s not casual.  You need to pump up for it. You need to engage.  You need to come at it with a “I’m going to do whatever it takes” attitude.  Other guys are part of you having success in the fight.  Find those guys you can fight with.  

6.  Help From the Strongest Man Who Ever Lived – This guy is Jesus.  He is the only one who was tempted in all the ways we were, and did not sin.  He is the one who best understands what you are going through.  He is the only one who can work on your heart (the place where you need the most work). 

If you need someone to reach out to, and don’t have anyone, my email address is  I’m not a professional counselor.  Just a dude who’s in the middle of his own recovery, and maybe a little further along.  My greatest desire is to be a hope and encouragement to you.

One Comment
  1. JeffTN62 permalink
    December 29, 2009 1:01 pm

    Great post.. as always on keys to recovery! When your first outed on your sex addiction and exposed your mind is a whirl of so many things, you want to run, hide, just get away. You have your spirit telling you to do the right thing face the truth, but your body only can think of the fix it needs to escape the pain, your mind tries to play referee. The great news is You can survive with Gods help and your not alone in your journey…. there are men and groups that want to help you get thru this.

    The past 9 months things have slowly gotten easier- over time getting rid of my chronic masturbation- it was my stress reliever, then those times where your whole body is on fire for a porn fix you learn to control, then it’s wrong thinking about sex in marriage that lie you hear that it will never be as satisfying- when you get your mind and emotions pure its amazing what you will feel again AND how your Wife will respond!! To handle this I had to be honest with myself and others, over time I told everyone about my addiction so the lie wouldn’t continue-as I learned to lie to well to hide my addiction I was compartmentalizing so much to have a split personality.

    Was it scary being so honest..YES, but what freedom it gave, as I talked about it with other men, they started sharing their secrets and finding healing also, my most current struggle has been fixation- it can happen anywhere at the mall, church, work that really striking woman that just draws you in, your not lusting but it could become that, a fantasy, an escape. I’m Reading John Aldrich new book “The Way of the Wild Heart” in this book I found the answer for this.. it’s were looking for “Validation”. Acceptance from women, healing for past hurts, where some girl or woman tore your heart out or other related pain of divorce, cheating on you, even a parent that cheated and caused pain. The truth is only God can heal that, I’m on a journey to go back and forgive these women that hurt me and those I hurt and when that “fixation” hits to pray and seek Gods validation.

    The other key was that I took the first step and found a group to help me, men to share with there are many great ones you can attend as you need to put as much into your recovery as you did your addiction.

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