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Finding Illegitimate Solutions For Our Legitimate Needs

April 6, 2010

A condemned house.

Sam Fraser over at Every Man’s Battle wrote a thought provoking article called “The Lie of Illegitimate Solutions”. 

In the article he reminds us that we are built for relationships, but as sexual addicts we have trained ourselves to seek them from illigitimate sources, hence the title of the article.   

 This need for intimacy is God ordained. We are designed for it. We know from the Bible, being made in the image and likeness of God that this is actually true, and short of having an intimate relationship with God and others, addiction may be as close as we can get to our divine design in this earthly life. As sex addicts, we lack connections with others and in our failure to get our “legitimate needs met in legitimate ways,” we isolate and withdraw into our acting out patterns as a poor substitute for what we really desire, addiction instead of relationship; intensity instead of intimacy.

As he sums it us “legitimate needs and illegitimate solutions”

On another part of the article he says this:

 By the time we had passed through our adolescence and into our twenties, [sexual addiction] became a substitute for intimacy with others. A secret self of privacy that was isolated had developed. We didn’t have the communication or relationship skills to do otherwise. Intimacy, the kind that allows us to be fully accepted for who we are, just didn’t happen for us.

This is my story, and I’m sure many of yours.  I felt awkward as a teenager and socially inept.  I was a loner, an “inside kid, and not deeply connected with very many.  My solution was to retreat into myself.  I learned how about self stimulation, self love, fantasy and felt good about it. 

I had no idea:

1.  That I had legitimate needs that needed to be met

2.  That I was meeting them in illegitimate ways

I was ignorant.  I did feel shame from acting out sexually, but nothing else in my life was making me feel quite as good.

Here’s the real challenge for us in sexual purity recovery — finding legitimate sources. 


Link to the FULL ARTICLE

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