Ground Zero: Marsha (Part 2 of 3)

The weeks following Jeff’s bombshell were a blur.  We said goodbye to our church family, we put our house up for sale, we began to pack…  I remember going though the motions, but feeling dead inside.

We immediately sought Christian counseling, going separately for several weeks and then going together as a couple.  I felt tremendous anger towards Jeff, for risking our ministry for his selfish pleasures.  Its something I explored with my counselor, who was helping me understand pornography addiction.

I was skeptical of the word addiction.  It seemed to take him off the hook.  But my Christian counselor did a great job of opening my eyes to this issue, which many Christian men (including pastors) were living in bondage too.  Yes, they were completely responsible for their actions and yes, it was without a doubt sin.  But it wasn’t as easy as just stopping, or at least for most men.   Pornography was a drug that brought comfort to my husband.  The more he saw, the more he needed.  The guiltier he felt the more he needed comforting.  It was a cycle that was difficult to break, but certainly not impossible for the Lord, who is able to break the chains of all types of bondage.

At some point, my tremendous disappointment and anger towards Jeff softened.  I hadn’t prayed that it would go away.  I had no expectation that our marriage would ever be OK.  I didn’t even know to ask God for that.  I just wanted to “get through this” with my family intact and without personally falling apart. 

But within a few weeks of Jeff’s revelations, my heart began to soften.  I never doubted he was repentant.  Earlier in our marriage, when he shared with me how much he struggled to remain sexually pure, I knew that pornography and masturbation left him feeling disgusting and worthless.  He was always repentant when he vowed to never go back.  But this time, he was repentant and broken.  He had literally lost it all, except me and the boys, and he was devastated. 

On top of that, Jeff was feeling incredibly isolated.  Ministers that we assumed would walk through this valley with Jeff, didn’t call.  They didn’t check to see how he was doing.   There was nobody who stepped up and said “Jeff, you aren’t alone.  We are here for you.”  Restoration was certainly never mentioned. 

Our phone, which had been always ringing, was silent.  Our house, which was full weekly with church members and their kids, was empty.  

As angry as I was with Jeff, I was angrier at the Christian men in Jeff’s life that I thought would be a resource to him.  It reminded me of the Pharisees who walked callously by the broken Samaritan laying in the road, unwilling to be bothered by his needs. 

So my heart softened towards Jeff.  I refused to kick him while he was down. Instead, I began to talk to him.  I prayed for him.  I encouraged him.  Slowly, we began to work as a team.  During counseling we began to see that there was hope for couples like us. 

Together, we were enduring the consequences that came along with Jeff’s sin.  Our goal was to settle our family and heal our marriage.  We felt as if we were in a free fall and we just wanted to land.  At the time, wee had no idea how long that process would take or how much work it would entail.  But the promise of hope is what kept us going and kept us clinging to the Lord.

 

 

My World Just Fell Apart: Now What?

You just found out your husband has been living a secret life.  Whether it was Internet pornography, fantasy, strip clubs or prostitution, maybe even an affair…the truth is out.  Life as you knew it has been turned upside and you are paralyzed with fear.  Where do you even begin?

These are the things I wish someone would have said to me in the first few weeks to follow:

I am so sorry this is happening to you.  This is unlike any pain you’ve ever known. The consequences of your husband’s sin has ensnared you as well.  It isn’t fair.  You did not deserve this.  It is not your fault.

 

God has not abandoned you or your husband.  He knew this day would come.  He has actually made provisions to care for you in very specific ways during this season of your marriage.  Seek Him hourly.  Write down verses that speak of his loving kindness towards you.  Trust His promises.  Don’t stop praying.  Don’t push Him away for letting this happen to you.  Looking back, I believe Jeff getting caught was the best thing that ever happened to our marriage.  It was a necessary event so repentance and true healing could began. I’d much rather live in a painful reality where hope exists than in a blissful lie. 

 

You need to share your pain with someone.  Our society and our church has made sexual sin a secret sin, which only makes it more destructive.  Find a Christian woman that you can be real with.  Let her pray with you and share Scripture with you.  Let the Body of Christ minister to you.  Some people do not know how to respond to a revelation like this – they may not know what to say.  They may not be able to deal with it and their silence will be painful for you.  Prayerfully, find someone else that you can confide in. Ask them to check on you daily.  When your world is broken, the loneliness is unbelievable but the truth is a Christian is never alone.  The Holy Spirit it always there to minister to your heart.  And a Christian friend is like the shoulder of Christ. 

 

Don’t share your story with everyone.  Don’t use this as an opportunity to show the world how sick your husband is.  Don’t punish him by pointing out his sin to others.  Don’t set yourself up as the victim.  It’s not that you don’t deserve comfort. You do, but not at the expense of your husband.  Be very careful with your righteous anger.   In reality, his sin is no different than yours.  Prayerfully determine who you should share your story with.  What is your motivation to share?  If it is to publicize his sin, stop.  Let God handle the consequences of his sin. That is His territory.  Your job is to focus on the healing power of God in your own heart. 

 

Your marriage can survive this.  Others have.  Mine has.  It may help to read books from those who have been on a similar journey.  I was really comforted when I realized that others had felt similar feelings of abandonment and hopelessness.  I was encouraged by what they had learned from the Lord.  In some ways, I feel that reading their story motivated me along the path of grieving rather than staying stuck in that pit of hopelessness.

 

Seek Christian counseling.  Find a Christian counselor who specializes in sex addiction or intimacy issues.  It may be expensive, but the insight you will receive from a counselor knowledgeable in this area will be priceless.  We struggled whether we couldn’t afford our Christian counselor, but in the end, I didn’t think we could afford not to go.  I was determined to address our issues head on.  Our entire marriage was hanging in the balance.

 

If Christian counseling is not an option, find out what resources are available to you?  Do any churches in your area have a Celebrate Recover y group or sexual addiction ministry?  Find out what they have available for the spouses.

 

Don’t blame yourself.  I can’t speak from experience here, because unlike most wives, I didn’t blame myself at all.  I didn’t feel guilty or unattractive.  I was just mad.  And then I felt sad for my husband, my self, others who were in bondage in secret.   But I understand that many women, most women,  feel devastated to know their husband was “cheating on them” whether it be physically or emotionally.  Be assured, this has much more to do with your husband and how he views himself than it has to do with how he views you.

 

Don’t make any major decisions or changes.  You are on an emotional roller coaster and just getting through a day may seem a chore.  Do not try to make any major decisions regarding your marriage, your future, or your home during this tender time.  Because we were in ministry, our denominational  leaders pressured my husband to leave the area.  In hind sight, the additional drama of selling a home and relocating to another area was not in our family’s best interest at the time.   The priority should be on allowing Jesus to do some major spiritual surgery so he can begin to heal your wounds and your marriage.  Everything else is secondary.

 

Above all, just take it one step at a time, knowing the Lord walks with you all the way.

Ground Zero: Marsha (Part 1 of 3)

There isn’t really a good time for your world to fall apart.  But this was a particularly bad day.  We had an out-of-state mission team with us to assist with a major evangelism project in our local park.  On top of that , Jeff’s parents were flying in that night for a visit.

As we coordinated schedules in the kitchen, I asked Jeff how his meeting with our associational leaders went earlier that day.    Jeff was a church-planter and met often with our associational leaders.  His response was evasive and I immediately knew something was wrong.  I insisted that he tell me whatever it was.  I had no clue that our world had already begun to fall apart.

I tried to ignore Jeff’s tears has he explained that he had once again fallen back into pornography.  But this time was different, because he had gotten caught.  Our denominational leaders had confronted him that morning, fully aware that Jeff had been viewing Internet pornography while working part-time at our associational office.

My first thought was “our ministry is over.”  Jeff and I had been serving in ministry in the Northeast for over six years.  Jeff was leading a small congregation that we loved dearly. We felt we were living our dream.  I couldn’t imagine doing anything else with my life.  It was hard for me to get my mind around the revelation that it was over.

My second thought was “He ruined your life.”  Jeff’s revelation of pornography did not come as a surprise to me, as he had shared with me before that he had struggled with porn off and on since his teenage years.  The last time he confided in me that he was struggling, I was firm.  I told him that he needed to go to counseling and “fix it” or we would have to step out of ministry.  Knowing how much I loved serving in our community, I couldn’t imagine Jeff would risk that…if not for himself than for me.  But he had and now I was suffering the consequences of his choices. 

As Jeff shared the details of his meeting, I felt as if I had been kicked in the stomach.  Not only were our denominational leaders telling him to step out of ministry, they wanted us to leave the area…quickly.  My mind began to race as I thought of the implications. 

I began to make a list of things we would have to do:  put the house up for sell, find new jobs, find a new place to live, tell the boys (no we needed to tell them before the “For Sale” sign went up, what would we say to them?)  Unable to deal with my feelings, I switched over to survival mode and quickly came up with a plan of action.  No longer able to trust the leadership of my husband, I took over the reigns of our marriage and began making major decisions regarding our future.  Overwhelmed with guilt and humiliation which quickly led to depression, Jeff just followed my lead. 

That day we joined a secret group of people that you can find in every church.  Gordon McDonald refers to them as “broken world” people.  That described us perfectly.  Broken, lost, numb and frightened.  Our world had been turned upside down in an instant. How could we survive this?