An erosion takes place in our lives because of sexual sin.
Sexual sin slowly erodes our ability to hear God’s voice.
Many people who struggle with sexual purity are Christians and spiritual people. We seek God, go to church, pray, and feel like we’ve let down God when we act out. We try many times to stop our behaviors, but keep having trouble.
EARLY STRUGGLES
When we are first struggling with sexual sins, God’s Spirit is strong on our life telling us that our behaviors are wrong. We may be reading the Bible actively and memorizing verses to help. When we cross new lines, we feel the butterflies in our stomach telling us that this is not God’s path.
THE EROSION
Erosion of our spiritual life always happens with sexual addiction. Sometimes it is radical and immediate, especially if we cross a very large line. But for most of us, the erosion is gradual.
We start hardening our hearts. We keep turning our back on His warnings. We convince ourselves that behaviors are OK. We plunge more and more into acting out. We start rationalizing our sin. Minimizing our sin. Then compartmentalizing our life.
COMPARTMENTALIZE
For guys it’s especially easy to compartmentalize. We switch off some areas of our life and focus on others. For addicts, we can function at work and home and push our secret sexual struggles and struggles with God out of our mind. It’s a way of minimizing.
Before we know it, we stop hearing from God. We stop having a vision for our lives. Our prayers, bible reading and church going becomes a burden and futile.
JEFF’S EROSION
I was in the middle of ministry when my sexual sin escalated. I was teaching, preaching, and training others up to follow God. Yet my spiritual life was slowly eroding. As I started to get deeper into my Internet usage, I struggled more and more with maintaining my secret. I started lying to my wife and to others. I started to isolate myself from people who might ask questions.
My times with God began to dry up. My bible reading was a struggle. Putting messages together was not easy. I stopped hearing from the Lord. I stopped having a vision for my own life, family, and church.
SOMETHING HAS TO BLOW IT UP
How do we start hearing from God again? Something has to crack in our lives. Either we get so sick of our life that we change something, or God gets so sick of our behavior that he pulls the plug and lets His discipline flow. It usually takes a pounding and great loss to get our attention and turn us around.
FINDING GOD’S VOICE AGAIN
This comes gradually. We have to realize how far we have strayed. We have to get a sense of the seriousness of our sins. We have to spend some time crying out to God in repentance and surrender.
We need an influx of truth to help us find God’s voice again. We have become deceived and have believed many lies that our behavior was somehow acceptable. We have lost the fear and respect of God.
Counselors, support groups, and good mentors are very helpful in helping us find God’s voice again. You can’t get there quickly. You have spent a long time drifting away. Let God use other people to help you find His voice again. Let God use His truth to
Recovery from sexual addiction is working when you are actively hearing from the Lord again.
Q: How’s God’s voice in your life?
Q: Who do you have around you helping you to find God’s voice again?
This is finally a Thanksgiving Day where we can be truely grateful for this sexual recovery process.
Two years ago, our world was falling apart. Jeff’s sexual sin was discovered by some good friends, and his failings were exposed to Marsha, our families, our church, and our friends. We were not grateful. We were in shock and in despair.
One year ago, Marsha had fallen into a depression. We were experiencing the hardest year of our marriage and the consequences of Jeff’s sexual sinning. We had moved to a new area and lost most of our old friends. We were tired of the hard work. Tired of the slow regaining of trust in our marriage. Tired of having to learn more lessons.
THIS YEAR
We continue our counseling. We continue our support groups. And a slow healing is taking place. A slow rebuilding of our relationship. We are no longer in shock and anger. We have less times of grieving. We are starting to feel restoration and new growth.
We have been feeling gratitude this year. It is an important change. We are grateful…
- God caused Jeff to get found out.
- The courage of Jeff’s mentors to intervene in his life.
- God helping deliver Jeff from bondage to pornography and lust.
- God helping Marsha through her hardest times
- Our friends’ presence during the hardest times.
- Finding great sexual recovery groups and counselors.
- Provision of jobs, home, and well-being of our kids
- Restoration of financial losses
- Those that told Jeff that recovery was more about the inside than the outside.
- For the opportunity to share our heart with you through the Porn to Purity blog.
NOT GRATEFUL RIGHT NOW? IT’S OK.
It has taken us two years to get back to feeling gratitude on Thanksgiving. We were very angry with a lot of people. We were very angry with each other and with God. We did not have gratitude for a long time. We had pain and suffering.
Your Thanksgiving may suck because of all the hurt you have. You may not be with your spouse because of a separation. You may be getting worse right now, instead of better.
Have faith that gratitude will come. The bigger picture still remains. God is still patient, loving, merciful, and present. He will help you walk through it. He will help you find the support and resources you need.
Take care today. May God bring you one step closer to the healing you need.
Jeff & Marsha Fisher
Porn to Purity.com
We’re really proud of our sister site: www.104podcast.com
This is the place where you can find the shownotes for The 104 Podcast: Top Tips For Sexual Purity
Jeff designed this podcast for people who are seeking to be sexually pure or seeking to recover from their sexual addiction. Each show is 5-10 minutes long. Easy to download. Easy to listen to. Chock full of the best helps he is finding in his on recovery process.
Q: Why is it called “The 104 Podcast”?
Simple. Jeff releases 2 shows a week, and he’s doing it for a year so you can have some consistent, helpful content to help you on your journey.
SHOWS YOU MIGHT HAVE MISSED
Nov 15th – The Four Jobs of an Accountability Partner
Nov. 18th – Six Essentials For Someone New to Sexual Recovery
Nov. 22nd – Finding Healing From Your Anger
Nov. 25th – Sexual Recovery Terms You Gotta Know, pt. 1
UPCOMING SHOWS TO WATCH FOR
Nov. 29th – Sexual Recovery Terms You Gotta Know, pt. 2
Dec. 2nd – You’ve Got to Have Other Dudes in Your Life
Dec. 6th – Work on Sharing Your Story
Dec. 9th – The Dangers of Anonymity
HOW TO SUBSCRIBE TO THE 104 PODCAST
Subscribe to the show on I-Tunes
Link for your RSS Feeder: HERE
A friend of mine has a great blog on his website (www.fromshame2grace.com) on how to be involved with your teenagers usage of the Internet.
David is currently awaiting sentencing in jail because of his indiscretions on the computer. It is an article worth reading and a sobering, helpful website.
http://www.fromshame2grace.com/2009/11/protecting-teens-from-david.html
11 For the sake of your name, O LORD,
forgive my iniquity, though it is great.
I wanted to continue to share reflections from Psalm 25. I think this is one of the best chapters in the bible for those recovering from sexual addiction. Here is a simple verse, but it has some large takeaways.
GLORIFY GOD: A NEW OBJECTIVE
When I was in the middle of my sexual sin, I did not focus on God. I was so worried about my name, my reputation, my job, my position, and the perception of others toward me. I had little care for glorifying God.
God wants me to focus on His name and His glory. His stamp is on my life and I bear his name. When I was steeped in my sin, I was dishonoring his name and stealing His glory.
We must honor His name. Make it great. Reflect Him. We cannot do this when we are holding on to our sins and sexually acting out.
SEEING OUR SIN
Seeing my sin was one of the greatest gifts God has given me over the last two years. I didn’t realize how bad I was. I knew I had strong sexual desires, and had problems with masturbation and Internet porn, but I didn’t know how far away I was.
When I was found out, I started to see who I really was. A sinner who was posing as someone who had it all together. I needed to see how my actions were hurting God. I needed to see how grieved He was over my behaviors. I began to see that through the eyes of other people. All of the sudden a brokenness came over me, and a true, deep repentance. I was losing my ministry, my job and my friendships over my choices. For the first time in a long time, I began to cry out desperately to God.
God also used the consequences of my behaviors to show me how bad my life was. He used withdrawals to show me. He used the broken trust with my wife to show me my sin.
An essential part of recovery is seeing your sin. Only God can open our eyes to who we really are. The writer of the psalm saw that his sin was “great”.
A good prayer is: “God, help me see my sin. Show me who I really am.”
COVENANT EYES ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE
We are proud to be connected with Covenant Eyes! The best Internet filtering and accountability software on the market. CE is a tremendous help to those of us striving for sexual purity. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. You’re Internet struggle just got easier!
I’m thinking about doing a series on the underlying emotions that we have to heal from. I wanted to share some raw stuff with you. A blog series in the making. Maybe this topic can be a help to you as I work on it further.
I have discovered a lot about “The Undercurrent” in my sexual recovery. This is the stuff underneath that fuels my acting out. It’s less about the behaviors, and more about what needs God’s healing inside of us. The Undercurrent was a huge revelation for me. I had tried for years to change my behaviors. When I started looking at the stuff inside with my counselor and with my support groups, things changed.
Here are some emotional hurts I had to deal with:
Anger – at my parents, my wife, my mentors, God
Loneliness – unmet needs for support, friendship, love
Sense of Rejection – old girlfriends, peers, people I trusted
Desire for Approval – wanting everyone to like me, being at peace with everyone, approval addict
Need to be Valued – loving the real me, appreciation for me as a person – flaws and all, dealing with derogatory words, low self-esteem
Feelings of Shame – feeling like I’m worthless, I’ve messed up, I can never be fixed, I am no good
Fear of Failure – the haunting worry that I will never meet the expectations of others, or my own
HURTS = WOUNDS
I am learning that when I feel hurt there is a wounding that has taken place. It could be recent. It could be from my childhood. And many of them are multilayered. I was a wounded boy. A wounded adolescent. And am in many ways a wounded man. God wants to heal my wounds, and I am experiencing that.
BEHIND EVERY WOUND IS A LIE
This is something my counselor has mentioned to me several times. The jury is still out on this one. But I think he’s right. As I have explored my hurts, I have asked been coached to ask God, “What do I believe about this hurt?” and “What is Your truth about this situation?” This type of praying and listening to God’s Spirit has been extremely helpful.
WHAT THOUGHTS DO YOU HAVE?
Q: What emotions do you have to deal with in your recovery?
Q: How are you finding healing?
Q: What are you learning about healing from the deep stuff?
I thought about naming this blog “Are you Praying Like a CHUMP for your Sexual Purity?” But “champ” sounded a little better. CHUMP or CHAMP… we are praying one way or the other.
I’m going to assume that you pray and that you want God’s help. Prayer is essential to sexual purity and seexual addiction recovery. You’re recovery will take off when you quit the CHUMP praying
WHAT DOES “CHUMP” PRAYING LOOK LIKE?
Fix me – CHUMP prayers want God to turn a magic switch inside you to make everything right. We think we are the problem. We think we are broken. We think if we weren’t designed that way we wouldn’t act that way. That’s not taking responsibility for yourself and for your actions. That’s blaming God for making 
you this way. When we CHUMP pray like this we say, “God, you made a mistake. Fix it!”
Fix the problem – When we are dealing with sexual sin, things are messy. There’s a lot of pain. The consequences can be very tough. CHUMP praying ask God to take it all away. Like a magic trick we want the hurt and the pain to disappear. But the pain and consequences may be the very things that God wants you to experience. They may be the very things you need to go through to grow, learn, and get right.
God, You Owe Me – Sometimes we think God owes us. We confess. We start getting our lives straight and we think God should make everything else rosy for us. We also think that things shouldn’t get worse after all that we have suffered.
Mini-Morsel Prayers – Like the bite-sized Snicker bars. Tiny prayers. Rhyming prayers. Rote prayers. Small. Impersonal. Shallow. We don’t pray as large as the problem is. We don’t call out to God from the depths of our soul like a CHAMP would.
WHAT DOES CHAMP PRAYING LOOK LIKE? 
Broken – When you realize you can’t fix something – that’s a good place. When you are at the bottom of yourself – that’s a good place. When you realize your sinfulness before God, you are able to pray in a way that is deep and surrenders to God.
Humble – Humble means that God is in charge and you are not. He is the authority and you must submit. You have nothing to bring but yourself. Less of you, more of God.
Raw – Pretty packaged prayers are not really true for someone recovering from sexual sin. Our stuff is raw. God wants us like we are… raw, unpolished, unprofessional, unholy. He does His best work when we bring our fullness to Him.
Honest – You can’t really hide from God can you? But we play games with our prayers. We pray about the things that are in order. We pray about the things we have a little trouble with, but not the true, deep struggles. We need to be as honest as we can in our prayers, even if that means dumping our anger on God. Do it! He can take it.
Listening (open, teachable) – More listening, less talking. That’s a good strategy in our sexual purity praying. Talk to God, then stick out your ear. Be open to what He has to tell us. Let Him talk to you. Let Him guide you. Be teachable.
LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS
Leave a comment on our blog or email us privately at porntopurity@gmail.com
The quicker you’re able to learn to submit to others, the quicker your recovery process will be.
Let’s define the term first:
sub·mit
v. sub·mit·ted, sub·mit·ting, sub·mits
1. To yield or surrender (oneself) to the will or authority of another.
2. To subject to a condition or process.
3. To commit (something) to the consideration or judgment of another.
4. To offer as a proposition or contention
WE WANT TO BE IN CONTROL
People who are steeped in sexual sin are masters of control. They have secrets to keep and they have to control their environment and actions so their secrets don’t get out.
Sexual behaviors are often about control. A person is in control of their fantasies and their porn use. They try to control others and manufacture sexual scenarios.
People with sexual sin are selfish, self-absorbed, and arrogant. Lust by it’s nature is selfish
Society tells us to be in control. Our peers tell us to be in control. The media tells us to be in control.
BUT WE ARE NOT IN CONTROL
Somewhere in the recovery process, it hits us that we are not in control. Maybe a hard patch of consequences reminds us. Maybe we lose our job. Maybe we relapse. This is a great place to be.
Before, we were arrogant, self-centered, and self-absorbed. But when we start to grow we start to look for the help of others and from God. This is the beginning place of humility. This is the beginning place of submission.
Realizing there are many things you can’t control is a tough spot. It is counter culture. It goes against the grain. Nobody likes to admit they don’t know what to do.
Lies You’ll Hear – Be careful when you get to this place! This is where a lot of lies set in. The lie that says, “your situation is hopeless”. The lie that says, “you are alone”. The lie that says, “you can’t talk about this.” The lie that says, “you are a failure.”
WE NEED TO TURN OVER CONTROL
The critical point in our sexual purity and recovery happens when we submit to others and to God. Let others speak into your life. Others have been through the same things and have a lot of wisdom. Others can identify with you. Others can help you with your blind spots. Others can help you get through the humps and the struggles.
Look for:
- Other men or women who share your struggle
- Skilled hands who can help you – counselors, pastors
- Your spouse
- God Himself
Submitting to these people says, “I am powerless to fix it, but you can help.” Submission is a place where we listen and learn. It is a place where we get busy writing stuff down in our notebooks or journals. It is where we start buying books, listening to podcasts, reading the Porn to Purity Blog J, going to Intensive Counseling sessions…
When we give up control, God can do His best work. Others can be quite valuable in helping you grow.
This morning, I’m thinking about how importance it is to have a support when you are seeking to be sexually pure or recovering from sexual addiction.
You’ve got to have other dudes in your life.
NO SECRETS
If we want to be successful in sexual purity, other people have to know our business. If you are hiding stuff, you can’t grow. If you have an area of your life that you can’t talk to anybody about, it will become a stronghold and head toward destruction. Other guys need to know our stuff.
WE ARE DESIGNED FOR OTHERS
God designed us to be in relationship with Him and with others. We may think we are loners and that we can make it alone in life… that’s a lie! None of us can grow the way God wants by our own. Even monks live in a monastery with other monks! God has intersected your life with your friends, your church, your family, and your spouse.
HEALTHY MASCULINITY
If you want to be a healthy male, you’ve got to be around healthy guys. Go find them. Learn how what a healthy, godly guy looks like.
Go to http://www.ransomedheart.com/ and learn some things from John Eldredge about being the man God called you to be. Other guys model true masculinity to us.
GUYS UNDERSTAND GUYS
No one understands what you struggle with better than another guy. Tons of other guys struggle with porn, lust, masturbation, anger, and difficult marriages. Go find some guys you can be real with. You might have to start with a counselor or a pastor. Maybe a small group. If you dare, sexual support groups are full of guys that can relate to what you’re going through, and they’re about as real as it comes.
Other guys can also see our blind spots. The things that we cannot see.
Men challenge other men and speak their language.
YOU NEED TO BE HELPING OTHER DUDES… EVENTUALLY
Part of our design by God is to teach and train up others. One of the most fulfilling things for a guy is to be able to teach other guys. But you can’t teach until you are teachable. You can’t train other dudes if you are going solo.
A QUESTION FROM JEFF: Don’t you want to be sharp?
I think guys deep down want to be the best at things. For some reason we think that masculinity and sexual purity are impossible to achieve. But getting around other dudes will help you see that you can be sexually pure. You can win at this and be the sharpened man of God you need to be.
Pursue other men. Make phone calls to guys. Get into a group of men where you can learn and be your best.
8 Good and upright is the LORD;
therefore he instructs sinners in his ways.
9 He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them his way.
10 All the ways of the LORD are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
I continue to receive encouragement and strength from Psalm 25. It is seems so fitting for those of us in sexual recovery and who want to be sexual pure.
These verses help us get back to two things essential in sexual recovery: being teachable and humble.
LETTING GOD TEACH YOU
When we are in the middle of our sexual sinning, we aren’t thinking about God’s ways. We aren’t seeking His guidance, we avoid it. We have been consumed with our ways for so long.
- Our attempt to control our urges.
- Keeping other people out.
- Leading a double life.
- Keeping secrets.
Recovery happens when we realize our ways don’t work and we start being teachable. We start seeking God for instruction, teaching, and guidance.
HUMILITY IS THE RIGHT POSTURE
The verse says that “He guides the humble”. Humility happens when we realize we can’t, but God can.
We are empty of ourselves. We admit our helplessness to God and seek His help. We cling to Him.
Humility is also the point where surrender happens. We can finally give an area our struggle up to God to find His strength.
GOD KEEPS HIS PART OF THE DEAL
Let verse 10 sink in. God can’t do things apart from His love and faithfulness. He is a God who keeps His covenant. His promises.
We think we our behaviors and past is so bad that we are worth leaving. Sexual sin in serious to God, but it will never stop Him from extending His love and faithfulness to those who want to walk His way.
COVENANT EYES ACCOUNTABILITY SOFTWARE
We are proud to be connected with Covenant Eyes! The best Internet filtering and accountability software on the market. CE is a tremendous help to those of us striving for sexual purity. CLICK HERE for a free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes, and type in the code PURITY when you check out. You’re Internet struggle just got easier!
